Dear Writers,

So, you’ve decided you’re a woman or non-binary writer and would like to submit to Funny Women. Out of all decisions, this is the best one you can make.

Submit:
Direct your entry to Submittable. Then immediately follow me on Twitter.

Length:
The ideal piece is finished and polished, revised at least 3x, and between 650 and 1,000 words. I do not accept pitches or sexts.

Content:
While humor is grounded in truth, we do not accept personal essays/stories/anecdotes.

Send evergreen over timely pieces (holiday themes, weather, politics, etc.) because it often takes months to read a submission after you've written, revised, and submitted it.

Also, no pop culture (celebrities, TV shows, top 40, etc.), as much as I enjoy it. 

Note: "short conceptual humor" is different than "short fiction." Please, no short stories.

My favorite submissions are literary (about writing and books) and feminist at the same time. 

Cover letters:
Not necessary, but why not tell me a little about yourself and throw some compliments the column's way? The Rumpus aims to create a community of writers, and that means getting to know each other.

(You should know it's 10x harder to pass on your submission if your cover letter is super nice and exudes confidence + evidence you've read/loved the column.)

Formatting:
No tricked-out formatting that tells me something about your soul. Keep it simple and readable.

To include in your submission:
Title of submission, your name, email address, website (if you have one), and favorite piece of writing by someone who is not a straightwhitecisman.

Author bios:
Please! Even if you've never been published (and who cares if you haven't), you can still reveal the city where you live and if you have any pets.

Previously published work:
Nope. Send original pieces—not archived blog entries.

Payment:
Confirmation that you have in some way changed the world’s mind about who’s funny. (You'll get a little money, but keep your expectations low.) (Lower than that.)

Response time:
I have anxiety dreams and lifelong guilt that I don’t get back to you when you think I should. Please understand I receive hundreds of submissions and have a day job. Response time varies—between two minutes and eight months. I know. Forgive me.

Note: Assistant Regional Funny Women Sarah Garfinkel & Jennie Egerdie read submissions before I do, which has transformed the submission process. 

Reasons you might not hear back:
None. I’m not heartless. If you don’t hear back after eight months, then I didn’t get to your submission. Follow up with me.

How many pieces may I submit at once?

One. Wait until you hear back on one piece to submit another, and (this is me helping you) don't submit a new piece the moment after a non-acceptance (instead reflect on why your first piece wasn't a fit for the column and how to improve the second).

Some reasons I might not choose your piece to appear on Funny Women:
--You wrote a poem.
--You wrote a personal essay or short story.
--You submitted a list or a piece eerily resembling a list.
--You submitted an illustration/comic/piece under 10 words.
--You satirized in the wrong way.
--You began: “This is not a love story.”
--You began: “This is a love story.”
--You had five or more grammatical mistakes.
--You thought you wrote something feminist, but you really wrote something racist.
--You didn't read or adhere to the submission guidelines.
--Maybe I am heartless.
--Your submission wasn't a short humor submission.
--You believe feminism = hating cis men or anything other than political, economic, and social equality for all people and cute animals.
--You don’t believe in yourself and your dreams.

If your piece is not published at this time:
Do not take it personally, which is something I'd do.

Help:
Here are some writing tips. Here are some writing prompts. 

Please direct any additional questions or snide remarks to: funnywomen AT therumpus.net.

I look forward to our future friendship.